Seriously Uncool Cars

Vauxhall Zafira	Porsche Cayenne	BMW X5	Nissan Micra	Micra CC	Audi TT
Range Rover Sport	Maybach	BMW Rolls Royce	C2 Ninja	Hyundai Matrix	Dodge Ram

Vauxhall Zafira (The daddy cool one)

Daddy Cool?? Do Vauxhall really think that this stupid advert will make their cars cool? This is a prime example of someone who is deeply uncool, trying to be cool, and ending up even more uncool as a result.

In my day someone's dad who turned up to school to drop his kids off in a Lamborghini or Masaerati or something would be cool, not a bloody people carrier!

People carriers are the most uncool type of car, especially Vauxhall ones, no amount of bodykit or cupholders is going to change that.

Porsche Cayenne

Seventy Grand, Seventy Grand?!! What kind of retard would spend Seventy Grand just so they can say they have a Porsche? Most of the owners would proudly say, ah but my car is fast and can carry lots of stuff and can go off-road.

Well that's rubbish, it ain't going off road because with will get dirty and stuck. Its no bigger than any estate car and yes there are cool estate cars (click here to see) and it wouldn't see which way a 15 year old golf GTI went. Just face it if you have to spend SEVENTY GRAND on a truck to show people you have a “rugged macho lifestyle” then you are a twat, sorry. Oh and it's pig ugly.

Click here to see a proper Porsche

BMW X5

The School Run

I've got a BMW, I'm higher up than you. I just wasted 50 grand on this piece of crap tractor, I'm a twat.

Nissan Micra

Driving one of these is like sticking a big sign on your forehead saying “I'm not looking where I'm going, I can't drive in a straight line, I have no idea which lane to be in, I don't know what these 4 and 5 numbers on my gearstick mean, I can't park, I don't use mirrors because everything looks all backwards in them.” How can a car be cool if that's what it says about you?

Looks like the owner of the Micra in the picture managed to park it in the middle of a run way.

Micra CC

Hmm the Nissan Micra, not exactly my definition of cool. Here's an idea, why not copy the Peugeot CC, that's cool. Well sorry that's like Michael Howard dressing up as James Dean to try and look cool, it doesn't work.

Audi TT

A car for people who are trying too hard to be cool.

Range Rover Sport

Driven by one of the following:

A: Footballers

B: Blonde women with too much make up, who 'need' a big car to handle the treacherous journey to school in the mornings (Rich husband paid for it)

C: Misguided fools who thought the “Sport” stood for "Motorsport" (it's a two and a half ton truck with a centre of gravity somewhere in the stratosphere for god's sake!)

Which brings us to the point that Range Rover must have aimed this car at one of these tree people and that's not cool.

Maybach

An ugly, fat, overpriced car....... for ugly, fat and overpriced fatcats.

Rolls Royce

Rolls Royce died officially in 2003. Shortly after VW bought Rolls Royce/Bentley, BMW bought the rights NAME from the Rolls Royce aero-engine business which still owned the rights to the name, basically so they could build expensive BMWs and stick a big grill on the front and call them a Rolls Royce. THEY ARE NOT ROLLS ROYCES.

Think about it, if Swatch (who make good reliable, though not classy watches), bought the rights to the Rolex name (And not the factory/workers/expertise) and stuck the Rolex logo on their watches would you buy one, let alone pay a few grand for one?

C2 Ninja

The C2 predecessor the Saxo was a pretty good car, the VTS and VTR versions carried on selling really well right up to the end of their lifes, simply because it was fun to drive cheap, and relatively cheap to insure. The max power brigade took a liking to it and making some truly hideous creations with it.

So with the C2 Citroen tried to tap into this, and made this special 'Ninja' edition. OK, so you should expect it to be a sleek, lighter, more sporty right?... wrong the C2 Ninja is a perfectly good C2 ruined with too big wheels and stupid bodykit, meaning it can't get over speed bumps or go round corners, hmm very Ninja like.

If you drive one of these people will think you are a spotty teenager who can't drive, and they would be right.

Hyundai Matrix

What is the Matrix?

Should I drive the red one, or the blue one?

NEITHER!!

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Dodge Ram

Big, ugly, slow, cheap, tacky and American.

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